What it's called...

Little five-year-old Tony, was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He he came into the house, after playing outside with some neighborhood kids, and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" His grandmother was somewhat surprised, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh! OK." And went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called BUNK BEDS! And Jimmy's mom says she wants to talk to you."

Good Trade...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Satan and the old man...

One Sunday people were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from The Evil
Incarnate.

Everyone that is , except for one elderly gentlemen who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, agony for all eternity?" threatened Satan.

"Yep," answered the old man calmly.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Short joke...

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic food wrap.

The psychiatrist said, "Well... ...I can clearly see your nuts."

Talkin abouta...

A bus stopped and two Italian men get on. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them saying the following...

"Emma come first. Den I come, Den two asses they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and then pee twice. Then I come again one lasta time.."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady. "In this country, we do not speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sex? I'm just tellin my friend how to spell Mississippi."

50 dollars...

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in the helicopter." And every year Esther replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This year, Esther and Morris went to the fair again. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed -- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Two old ladies...

A young man stood in front of the mirror admiring his well built and tanned body, but he realized that his penis was the only part of his body not tanned. Determined to get his penis tanned, he made his way to the beach early one morning. Once there, he proceeded to bury himself completely, except for his penis - this he left poking out of the sand.

A while later, strolling down the beach were two little old ladies. They came across the penis poking out of the sand. One little old lady, using her cane, knocked the penis form side to side saying, "There is no justice in the world today."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady said, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

Nude Beach...

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

Drunk Driver...

Recently a routine RCMP patrol was parked outside a bar just off a main Highway. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it." said the driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

What father does for a living...

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked what their fathers did for a living. The typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Vancouver Canucks, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Write it down...

A couple in their nineties was having problems remembering things. They decided to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told them that physically they were okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. His wife asked, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen."

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!" Then he grumbled into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

Paddy had been drinking...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, said "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replied, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spun around on his stool and stepped off. He fell flat on his face. "Shoite" he said, pulled himself up by the stool, and dusted himself off.

He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looked to the doorway and thought to himself that if he could just get to the door and some fresh air he'd be fine.

He belly crawled to the door and shimmied up the door frame. He stuck his head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air, felt much better and took a step out onto the pavement. He fell flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he said. He could see his house just a few doors down. He crawled down the street to his door and shimmied up the door frame. He opened the door and shimmied inside. He took a look up the stairs and said "No fockin' way". But he crawled up the stairs to his bedroom door and said "I can make it to the bed".

He took a step into the room and fell flat on his face. He said, "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and fell into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, came into the room carrying a cup of coffee and said, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy said, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub"

The first joke... ...is rarely the funniest.

In the true belief that the first joke is rarely the funniest, I decided to pick a joke at random and not worry about it's humour quotient:

Sadie and Mildred, two Newfoundland widows, were talking over a cup of tea:

Sadie: "That nice old widower Jimmy Tobin asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Mildred: "Well girl.... I'll tell you. He'd told me to get dressed up, so I bought a brand new dress. Then he showed up at the senior citizens just like a clock. An was he ever dressed! Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brung me a big batch of flowers, Floyd never got me flowers!. Then he took me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....I think it was a Ford, air conditioning and everything. Then he took me out for a supper.....Beautiful meal. Roast pork even, and lovely mashed potatoes with no lumps like usual in them fancy restaurants. And then he took me for a beautiful drive, you know how I likes drives Sadie. I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we were coming back to the senior citizens, I invite him in for a cup of tea and into an ANIMAL he turned. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oh my God, I'm glad you told me this...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Mildred: "Christ no... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.

Not a bad joke to start on... :-)

Enjoy.