Senior Dating...

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, were talking.

Dorothy said, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replied, "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. He was dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brought me such beautiful flowers. Then he took me downstairs, and there was a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure. Then when we came back to my apartment, he turned into an animal. Completely crazy. He tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me -- two times!"

Dorothy responded, "Goodness gracious.... so are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna said, "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Who said seniors can't have fun...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Help Wanted...

A business put a sign in their window:

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely Black Labrador retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, and then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

On vacation...

Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as their plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a very tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father, Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time and showing a very nice tan, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father it's me, Sister Angela."

What it's called...

Little five-year-old Tony, was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He he came into the house, after playing outside with some neighborhood kids, and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" His grandmother was somewhat surprised, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh! OK." And went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called BUNK BEDS! And Jimmy's mom says she wants to talk to you."

Good Trade...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Satan and the old man...

One Sunday people were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from The Evil
Incarnate.

Everyone that is , except for one elderly gentlemen who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, agony for all eternity?" threatened Satan.

"Yep," answered the old man calmly.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Short joke...

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic food wrap.

The psychiatrist said, "Well... ...I can clearly see your nuts."