What it's called...

Little five-year-old Tony, was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He he came into the house, after playing outside with some neighborhood kids, and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" His grandmother was somewhat surprised, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh! OK." And went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called BUNK BEDS! And Jimmy's mom says she wants to talk to you."

Good Trade...

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Satan and the old man...

One Sunday people were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from The Evil
Incarnate.

Everyone that is , except for one elderly gentlemen who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?' asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, agony for all eternity?" threatened Satan.

"Yep," answered the old man calmly.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

Short joke...

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of plastic food wrap.

The psychiatrist said, "Well... ...I can clearly see your nuts."

Talkin abouta...

A bus stopped and two Italian men get on. They sat down and engaged in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them saying the following...

"Emma come first. Den I come, Den two asses they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and then pee twice. Then I come again one lasta time.."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady. "In this country, we do not speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sex? I'm just tellin my friend how to spell Mississippi."

50 dollars...

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in the helicopter." And every year Esther replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This year, Esther and Morris went to the fair again. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed -- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Two old ladies...

A young man stood in front of the mirror admiring his well built and tanned body, but he realized that his penis was the only part of his body not tanned. Determined to get his penis tanned, he made his way to the beach early one morning. Once there, he proceeded to bury himself completely, except for his penis - this he left poking out of the sand.

A while later, strolling down the beach were two little old ladies. They came across the penis poking out of the sand. One little old lady, using her cane, knocked the penis form side to side saying, "There is no justice in the world today."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady said, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

Nude Beach...

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

Drunk Driver...

Recently a routine RCMP patrol was parked outside a bar just off a main Highway. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it." said the driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."