What father does for a living...

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked what their fathers did for a living. The typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Vancouver Canucks, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Write it down...

A couple in their nineties was having problems remembering things. They decided to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told them that physically they were okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. His wife asked, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen."

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!" Then he grumbled into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

Paddy had been drinking...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, said "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replied, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spun around on his stool and stepped off. He fell flat on his face. "Shoite" he said, pulled himself up by the stool, and dusted himself off.

He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looked to the doorway and thought to himself that if he could just get to the door and some fresh air he'd be fine.

He belly crawled to the door and shimmied up the door frame. He stuck his head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air, felt much better and took a step out onto the pavement. He fell flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he said. He could see his house just a few doors down. He crawled down the street to his door and shimmied up the door frame. He opened the door and shimmied inside. He took a look up the stairs and said "No fockin' way". But he crawled up the stairs to his bedroom door and said "I can make it to the bed".

He took a step into the room and fell flat on his face. He said, "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and fell into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, came into the room carrying a cup of coffee and said, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy said, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub"

The first joke... ...is rarely the funniest.

In the true belief that the first joke is rarely the funniest, I decided to pick a joke at random and not worry about it's humour quotient:

Sadie and Mildred, two Newfoundland widows, were talking over a cup of tea:

Sadie: "That nice old widower Jimmy Tobin asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Mildred: "Well girl.... I'll tell you. He'd told me to get dressed up, so I bought a brand new dress. Then he showed up at the senior citizens just like a clock. An was he ever dressed! Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brung me a big batch of flowers, Floyd never got me flowers!. Then he took me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....I think it was a Ford, air conditioning and everything. Then he took me out for a supper.....Beautiful meal. Roast pork even, and lovely mashed potatoes with no lumps like usual in them fancy restaurants. And then he took me for a beautiful drive, you know how I likes drives Sadie. I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we were coming back to the senior citizens, I invite him in for a cup of tea and into an ANIMAL he turned. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oh my God, I'm glad you told me this...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Mildred: "Christ no... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.

Not a bad joke to start on... :-)

Enjoy.